My Adoption: Coming to know Me.

Hello Loves,

I want to share with you something that I have kept so close to my heart. My hope is that by sharing my experiences, that I will be able to help someone in need, or someone that struggles with this particular concept. Adoption is such a beautiful way of becoming a family, for me, everyone in my life has become my family.

When I was 15 months old I was adopted from India. My mother made the decision to adopt me and my two sisters, and we are not blood related. My mom got a picture of me when I was around 3 or 4 weeks old. It then took 14 months to complete the process of my adoption. My mom said that some of her first thoughts of me were "what a beautiful baby" and that she was excited to have another daughter. I have asked her why she chose India specifically and she has told me that there are two reasons. The first because she was able to adopt a baby as a single mother and the second being the status of women in India was pretty low, so she could offer a child something that they wouldn't be able to receive over there.The moment I got to our home, my mom said that I quickly learned what side of the bread the butter was on. I latched onto my mom like there was no tomorrow. I only wanted her, and my poor sister only had wanted me. My mom says that "I moved in, and took over." haha I was the very difficult for Emily, she just wanted to be my friend and I was a little butt.  But, in all seriousness I love my sister, so much. She took care of me every day and made sure that I was safe. She always has had my back, and I have hers forever. She has taught my countless lessons over the years and I am more than grateful for her. Emily and I shared the next five years camping, and exploring the trails of Utah with our sweet mama. My mom then decided that she wanted to adopt another baby, and we begged her for a baby brother. What do you know, we got another little sister. Abby, for those of you who know our family, I am sure that you know us first because of Abby. Everyone knows Abby, she is quite the hoot. Abby came to our family with the diagnosis of Mental Retardation. This was a surprise to our family, but she continues to teach us lessons of patience and that pure love of Christ. Our family life obviously changed, dealing with a child with a handicap was an interesting change for our small family, but we managed.

When I was younger I got the usual questions like "where are you adopted from", "how old were you", and "do you remember anything" and "do you know your parents". I got so used to answering those questions that I almost became like a record on repeat. I always said the same thing and without thinking, I would just say "I am from India, I was 15 months old, I do not remember anything, and no I do not know my parents", mainly because I was a young toddler. Those were questions that I felt like were so simple, I had no idea that the years to come I would spend thinking so deeply about those questions.

Growing up for me was different, I felt like I was always the odd man out. I struggled in elementary and junior high, of course there was the occasional bully that made me feel out of place, but I mainly struggled with my sense of self. When we are that young we struggle, we yearn to know who we are, and what our purpose is, with that we have the need to fit in, to impress those around us. I quickly learned that for me, that was not how I wanted to experience my life. I wanted to know who I was through the Lord's eyes. I wanted to see myself as he sees me.This concept that we are taught over and over again within the LDS church to find ourselves through Christ and The Lord. I chose to do this, when I turned 12. That was the year I entered into young womens, I was a little beehive, and I looked up to everyone. I would watch week after week my leaders and even the other girls, and I would notice the life lessons in each of them. I remember coming home one day and writing in my journal and making a promise to myself, that no matter how hard life became, I would always remember that our purpose is to be tested and to carry on, to hold on so tightly to that iron rod, to never loose sight of what is truly important, Him.

For my 12 year old birthday my mom and I decided to go on a tour of India. That's right, we went back to my orphanage and to the place that I was born. It was absolutely beautiful, and heart breaking. There were so many different emotions that I was feeling. Mostly, I was terrified. It was an entirely different world over there, one that I was not used to. I clung to my mom majority of this trip. I was so afraid of everything, but at the same time I was so amazed by all the beautiful ways that they lived their lives. Everything was simplified, it was just what they needed, not what they wanted. We went to my orphanage and that experience alone would have been the only reason to go to India. It was an overwhelming experience for me. Granted I was very young, and my thought process was I don't know where I am right now, but I remember stopping and looking around and thinking " This could have been my life." That thought alone was something that I have repeatedly gone back to in my mind. It has reminded me that I am so incredibly blessed. Standing there in my orphanage looking at the children and thinking, "I am fortunate." We had an incredible experience in India, and one day I will go back with my husband and we will see all the beauties that India has to offer.

I went through my junior high and high school experiences like any other usual teenager, my family had their share of hard times and experiences that really tested us. I learned the importance of sticking together through whatever happens. I learned to see my mother in a different way, I learned how much respect and gratitude I truly had for her. She has always been the glue that holds our family together, her grace and love that she has showed to me and my sisters over and over again is something that is cherished in my heart. I have never known a stronger person then her. She is truly the most amazing person I know. I will never ever be able to repay her, or let her know just how much I purely love her. I have said this before, but I truly owe her everything. She has given me more than I could have ever dreamed of, talk about changing the world for a better place, I have witnessed one person change the world for three girls, and I am comfortable speaking for my sisters in saying that she is the pure definition of love.

Every year on my birthday I have taken time to think about my birth parents, and I always think to myself I wonder if they are thinking about me. Do I cross their mind as often as they cross mine? I decided on my 18th birthday that I wanted to know more, and I talked with my mom and she told me that decision was mine to make. I began to pray and ponder, do I really want to know? I came to the conclusion that I did, and that I wanted to know who they were, and learn of their experiences. I sent an email to my orphanage with hope that it would actually work. Sadly, it did not. I received an email back about five minutes after I had sent mine, saying that my message was not delivered. I remember feeling very frustrated, and confused. Why had I had the means to learn of them, just to have that thought quickly rejected by one "message can not be delivered email". I was surprised that I even had found a way to contact my orphanage, so my next thoughts were "I guess I will never know." Every birthday after that I would have the same thoughts, "maybe it will work this year." I tried every year and I soon came to the realization that the Lord did not want me to know yet.

Now, don't get confused, I thought of my parents often, as I got older (into my high school years) I thought of my parents more and more, it wasn't just on my birthdays. For some children it is when they are young, they struggle with who they are and not knowing themselves because of the lack of knowledge regarding their birth parents. For me, I did not struggle with that concept. That came later, like I said, my high school years. I was tested throughout those years more than I had ever been in my life. Through those life tests my thoughts would circle back to them, to my mother, and my father, the ones that I did not know.

Last August, on the 22nd (my birthday) I was determined to know of them. I felt it so strongly that I needed to look into the process of knowing them again. I started with searching my orphanage on Google, and a new website popped up. This one I hadn't visited yet, I clicked on it and noticed that the email address was very similar to the one that I had tried to send my email to three years before. The only difference was one letter. Can you believe that? ONE LETTER. I thought to myself, " oh my gosh, it was right there!" I then thought "Should I even try it, or should I just not be hopeful." I tried it, and sat there refreshing my email for about 20 minutes expecting to get another message not delivered email. When I did not receive anything back, I realized that it had gone through. I then realized that I had just begun the process of learning who my birth parents were. Its safe to say, I started to freak out. I didn't sleep for about three weeks, every day thinking that something that I had never known and never thought I would know would soon be the facts of my life, and my parents lives. Throughout those three weeks I emailed back and forth with a man in charge of the orphanage and we exchanged information that was needed in order to find out about my parents.

On September 7th, I was walking into take my final insurance exam to become licensed with the state to sell insurance. You can guess that I was a cute little ball of stress. Studying for that exam had also added to my long nights of not sleeping. I sat there in the waiting room patiently waiting to begin my exam, I looked at my phone and had an email notification. It was from the man that I had been in contact with regarding my adoption. I figured it was just another email asking for more background information, but I was very wrong. It was a full description of my parents, their lives, and how I came to be in their lives. This was all BEFORE my exam, (that I could not fail) I got halfway through the email and the woman called my name to go into the testing center. I put my phone down, and felt as though I couldn't breathe. I had no idea how I was going to go and take my exam and focus now. I was heartbroken that I couldn't call my mom and tell her the news, that we had been so patiently waiting for. I went in and took my exam, and passed. It was a miracle, I have no idea how I even was able to keep focus. I then went home and shared the news with my mom. The news of passing my test didn't even matter. I had just learned of birth parents, obviously that trumps anything else.

Through learning of my parents, I have found a piece of myself that I didn't even know that I was missing. I have learned the importance of my life and the importance of the lives that have surrounded mine. My testimony has soared, more than I ever thought possible. My love for this Gospel is unwavering and never ending. I love the Lord with everything that I am. Our time here is meant for us to be tried and help others learn of the love that the Savior and the Lord has to offer. I have learned five key points that I would like to share with you.

• The first being, If you are adopted, you do not need to know your birth parents to know who YOU are. I want you to think of it this way, The Lord sent us all here, we are HIS children, ALL of us. We are adopted into our families on the earth and we make those ties and covenants with him to remain that way in heaven. You will come to know who you are, by knowing who He is. By learning of our Heavenly Father and his teachings of this gospel, you will learn your purpose and the reasons why you are here. 
• Second, It is okay to feel out of place, everyone does at times. Please remember that the place you always will belong is with your family and the Lord. He will never fail you, he will always will for your success. Turn to him and give him your worries and your troubles, he will cherish them and turn them into a strength that you never knew you had within you. 
• Third, Always be optimistic. Attitude is everything, it certainly changed my outlook on this whole process. I was so scared of learning the truth about my birth parents. I didn't know if it was something that I would want to know, but I knew that I had to. I never thought that I would ever learn the information that I did, and I am so fortunate and blessed that I did. Keep the good in your heart always, and release the bad. Let go of what was and begin in what is. 
• Fourth, Give back as much as you can. I am SO blessed, I have been given EVERYTHING. When I truly had nothing. I have my family, which does not end with my immediate family. The word family to me is anyone who has ever influenced my life for the better, I consider everyone that is in my life family. Some may think that is weird, but to me that is how I have always seen life. People are so important to me, and I love getting to know each and every one of my brothers and sisters here on this earth. Complete strangers are my automatic friend, I have worked very hard to see the world this way. It has been a blessing to see the world this way. I have my friends, which are a constant blessing, I have a career and a job on top of that, I have my education. But most importantly I have this Gospel. It is everything to me. I have tried throughout my life to serve, and I will continue to do so. It is such an important lesson to learn. The importance of serving will always be great. 
• Lastly, Please open your hearts and keep the eternal perspective. By being open to learning of my parents I learned more than I could have ever imagined about myself. It does not stop now either, I will continue to learn and apply these lessons in my life. By keeping the eternal perspective you will be blessed. Take time to fit the Lord into your daily life. Be still, hear Him. He wants to be there, he wants more than anything for you to depend on him, to utilize the tools that he has given you to succeed. He wills for your success. He loves us so much, and he has a plan for us. It is out of our control what that plan is. We have our desires in our hearts, and with those we are guided on our unique path. Make sure to keep those desires pure in heart, and centered in the Lord. 

Adoption is the most beautiful gift that God gave me. I will be forever indebted to my mother and her sweet decision to follow her heart and pursue a family in one of the purest ways possible. My life would not be mine if it weren't for her. I have such a strong testimony of this Gospel. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church. Heavenly Father knew just how much I needed to be here, in Kaysville, Utah. He knew that I would need my beautiful selfless mother, my knowledgeable older sister and the one I look up to, my sweet pure little sister who is constantly reminding me of the importance of life, and my niece who would teach me lessons of life every single day.  Families can be together through the help of our Lord. I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have been given so far in my life, for they have been great. I love the temple, and I know that it truly is the House of the Lord. I have made it a crucial part of my life, it is my safe haven. The scriptures have offered me answers and marvelous peace. I know that through prayer and daily communication with my father in heaven I am strengthened every day. I know that Thomas S. Monson is our true prophet and through his words we are guided through this life. The Lord has blessed me with countless families and people in my life that I consider family. I hold that special and unique bond so close to my heart. I have learned the importance of keeping those connections strong and very pure. I have a never ending love for this Gospel. I love that I will forever continue to learn and grow and progress in the Lord. I am SO thankful for the atonement and the sacrifices that were made so that I could have my agency and be able to repent of my sins and my mistakes. That concept that we have to become new again, through the repentance process is something that I am grateful for every single second of my life. I will continue to grow and learn more and more about myself. I know this is church is true, I feel it in every thing that I am. Always remember the importance of who YOU are. Stand for truth and for righteousness, always. Do not give into temptation and keep on the straight and narrow. Come unto the Lord, he will give you aid and rest, and most importantly he will guide you. Brothers and Sisters, this is real.

I am so thankful for all of you. I am so blessed to have you all in my life. My life would not be the same without you. Thank you forever, for changing my life. I love you.

xoxo, Anna