Rebuilding: Celebrating One Year.

It has almost been one year since I posted my very private most sacred feelings in a blogpost titled “Life Happens in the Pauses.” You can read that here if you would like to. This post reads simultaneously with that one. I just finished reading my older post and it is crazy to think that a year ago, the girl who wrote that post was me. It doesn’t feel like I am the same person. How does that happen? We can change so much throughout the space of a year, it blows my mind. I don’t know if I knew that I was changing that much in those times. It felt like I was just surviving. Now, one year later, I know that I have changed and it is because of the choices that I have made.

Sometimes I get so scared of the consequences that will come with the choices that we make. Making a decision has never been one of my greatest strengths. I tend to take the longest route to find out what I want, most of the time I don’t even make a decision, I just wait for someone else to make it for me. There are a few things that I truly wanted to change about myself to become softer, a better communicator, more understanding and patient. This past year, without knowing it, those characteristics developed within me.

There is something about truly wanting to change and humbling yourself, to the point of understanding that you do not have control over everything or even your life to really make you wake up. This past year I woke up. I have always been so easy going when it comes to my life and a go-with-the-flow type of gal, if you will. I have always struggled to truly stand up for myself and demand better for my life and from those around me when I know that I am not being treated well. That is something that I wanted to work on personally because I hate that I can be a people pleaser.

If you knew that one year from now you would potentially hit all of your goals, what would you change about your attitude, demeanor, perspective, countenance and overall life? Would it change the way that you view the world, your religion, the boy that you have a crush on, your career, your schooling or any of those aspects that make us who we are? If you could find a way to just trust that it would all work out and actually believe it, would you take it? Of course, you would, why wouldn’t you? I know that it happens when you least expect it. I know for me, I was expecting anything negative, hard, rough, sad, disappointing and downright stupid. That felt like a pattern in my life for quite a long time. Things kept getting harder, the light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t even a cute saying of hope, it was just annoying. Well I am here to tell you that it really does get better, life changes, you move on, you grow, you evolve, you strengthen, you believe in yourself again, in a way that you never thought possible.

I think that you have to go through those incredibly (almost breaks you completely) life experiences so that you can realize how truly amazing life is. We’ve all heard this saying many times in movies, music and books. But, have you ever experienced a low so low that you stop believing in yourself completely? Or a high so high that nothing could ever knock you down, because nothing has ever been so perfect. Luckily, I have been blessed with both. We HAVE to be refined. We HAVE to be humbled, to be taught. Life is so beautiful and so giving, I think we forget to understand how truly miraculous it is that we are here and even get to experience it all. Well, I guess I should just speak for myself, I forgot. If you read my last blogpost, then you know how deeply saddened I was and how much I struggled for grace, clarity and safety.

Through my year of rebuilding, I have come to know certain principles and attributes that I have developed. I have learned lessons that I never dreamed of learning. Made friends that I most certainly don’t deserve to have, but I am so grateful that they love me and appreciate me. I wish I could write for hours and describe each of these people individually and share with the world why they are so special to me. I will spare you that 2,195,839-page novel. Just know that I know that they have impacted my life. Through sharing my raw experiences, I believe that others can relate or at least feel comfort through my words. If not, you don’t have to keep reading. It’s cool, I won’t know anyway. Please see below for a list of the lovely teachings that I have learned in the past year.

Life WILL hurt you. Fact of life babe, so buck up and prepare by setting your foundation, your roots in whatever it is that you may believe. For me, it was my faith, my rock and my salvation in my religion. I have never been so Intune with the Gospel and teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, then I am now. I will FOREVER be grateful for this one. I won’t ever be able to describe how much I love this Gospel. It sounds silly to even say that I love it, because what I feel is so much more than that. I know it, live it, trust it and rely on it.

Service will truly heal your heart. I can attest that this is true. This is embedded in my heart and I am so grateful. When life hits you the hardest, the sweetest reaction is to aid someone in your life who would not be expecting it. To love someone is to serve someone. There will always be trials and hardships, through overcoming them, rising above them, you will notice that change in your heart to be there for someone else.

A good book can change your afternoon.

Let people in your life, in. This was so hard for me. Especially after being so disconnected, for what felt like forever, from myself. I had to learn that people are so much more understanding and patient than I realized. So many people reached out and helped me, even when they didn’t know how much they were doing. Quick story that changed my entire day. I came home in March of last year, still jobless, still annoyed, still heartbroken to a plate of treats and a card. Of course, in natural pessimistic attitude, I thought to myself, this will be for someone else in my house. I walked up to the porch, leaned over and picked it up. It had my name on it. Inside, a card that I have cherished for a year. It read, “Anna, you have helped so many in the ward with your kindness and your friendship. I am so thankful to know you, to be able to love you. You matter.” At this point, I had never made mention to anyone that I was feeling the way that I was feeling. I had thought repeatedly that day, that I did not matter, to anyone. HOW INSANE, right? To make things better, the card was signed, your loving friend. To this day, I have not found out who wrote that, but it made a world of difference in my life.

My mom will forever be the one person in the world who loves me in the most perfect way. She has been more than I ever imagined. I cherish and honor her for who she has helped me to become. My life would not be a tiniest bit happy without her in it. She provides me with strength, light, guidance, a voice of reason and unconditional love. Love you forever. 

 Hard work is necessary. Do not give up on what YOU deserve in every aspect of your life. Know your worth and what you bring to every job, relationship, friendship, calling or anything that requires your attention. You will fail time and time again, it is how you get back up and work even harder that matters. Be careful to not fight for the wrong things. Work towards the good and the rebuilding of YOU.

Know yourself. This past year, I have become the woman that I have always wanted to be. I am so proud of who I am. I have the confidence now that I never did to stand up for myself, to demand better. To be softer and always give the benefit of the doubt. To believe that people really are good, situations can alter that, but PEOPLE can be GOOD. To trust those who might not deserve my trust, but to do it anyway. To keep trying to better myself every day. To believe that I can always change and become better, that is a beautiful gift. I am grateful to understand parts of my heart that connect my mind, body and soul into one. This has come through a lot of reading, pondering and realizing when I need my alone time.

Long drives and good music heal your soul.

Worth. Your worth never changes. Did you know that? No matter what mistake you make, you are worth just as much as you were when you were a newborn baby as you are when you are taking your last breath at the age of 90. No one will ever live a sinless life, we will always make even the stupidest mistakes. How wonderful that our actual worth, does not ever change. Know that and it will change how you approach life.

Family is your everything. They will never abandon you.

Find time to be alone. Reflecting back on the past year, I spent probably five months of it alone. Most days I hated it, but I have grown to love being alone. I actually NEED my alone time. I need time to reflect, to ponder, to grow and to hit my personal goals.

Your individuality is everything. You want to be unique, distinct and the real OG when it comes to your choices. Make your choices based off of what YOU want. Especially the big ones. Don’t let others make your life decisions for you. I used to hate doing this, but now it is something that I have to have within my life. I can’t sit back and wait for everyone to make my decisions for me. I have to fight for what I want, work hard and know why I want it.

No matter how many times you load the dishwasher, it will always need to be unloaded. Just get used to doing dishes the rest of your life. (IMPORTANT)

Be a good friend. WOW. This is huge. Aside from letting people in, letting friends in is crucial. I have the best friends that I think I have ever had in my life right now. The friends that I have made, especially when I was at my worst have been game changers. When you fuel your soul with goodness, you are truly happy. My friends have been everything this past year. I am eternally grateful for them and their ability to know what I need. To let you in on a secret, I have always had a little insecurity (like I feel we all do about this) that people don’t really like me. That they just tolerate me or are friends for the wrong reason. This insecurity has been filled with the goodness of kind-hearted, loving, giving and understanding friends this past year. Friends can change it all.

Life will always be worth it. I can’t believe that last year at this exact time, I thought that maybe it wasn’t. To think that I didn’t appreciate or know all the blessings I had in my wreckage makes me devastated. This was the hardest lesson for me to grasp. To be happy when life is not happy. Luckily, I have this best friend, named Chantelle. The most optimistic person that I know. She has saved me with her sweet messages, uplifting quotes and overall happy demeanor time and time again. If you are fortunate enough to have a “Chantelle” in your life, realize how much they will provide with you light. You can change and it can be better, training your mind to understand that every part of our life is temporary is a good way to think. At least for me. I know that when things are hard, they won’t be for long. When they are happy, I can cherish that forever and look back and remember why it is that we fight the hardest days.

Last one, forgive. It didn’t take me a long time to forgive those in my life who have hurt me. It took me longer to forgive myself. I felt like I wasn’t worth forgiving for the way that I hurt myself by allowing myself to stay in such a sad state of life. I have struggled with how to make it better for those in my life who had to watch me suffer for so long. I can’t imagine how hard that was for my closet family and friends. From my experience of watching my friends and family not realizing their potential or worth, I can tell you that I know it hurt them all more than I ever wanted. This is something that I know I had to let go. It is all part of the process. You have to let yourself grow and in turn give yourself the room to do so. You can’t truly grow and move on without forgiveness. You have to forgive that boss that was dishonest, the people that forgot to love and respect you in the way that you deserved, the world for “hating” you that day, the driver that flipped you off because you were going the speed limit, the man at the grocery store who ran over your foot, the friend who didn’t listen to your feelings or literally any other scenario you can relate to your life. None of that matters. Life will move on with or without your forgiveness. Trust me, it’s better to just let it go and trust that, that person or situation will change and grow just like you did. Don’t spend too much time worrying about that either, just do it.

I often think of life in the following way. We all came in a square box, we are all made of marble. With each life experience, lesson, heartache, dream, goal, success, failure, love, pain, weakness, strength and change we experience we are molded. Refined into a beautiful statue at the very end. Only then will we be so refined that we are perfect. I have learned these principles through and through. Next year I will probably say that I had no idea, I was just beginning most of them. For now, I am so thankful for the aches and breaks of my heart. Strength, real strength comes from enduring. Enduring our life, well. Choose to be happy. Choose to accept that you cannot change everything. Understand that you cannot change people, only they can change themselves. You are accountable to YOU and that is plenty.

Grateful does not even begin to describe how I feel about my life. It is everything good. God has a way of leading you right where you need to be. Trust in yourself, follow your gut, believe in the fiercest side of you. The side of you that sings in your car alone, that dances in front of the mirror. That raw side of you that you don’t let anyone see, start letting people see that version of you. I promise they will like that version better. It also takes less work to be that person because it’s the real you. The world needs that version of you.

Life is meant to learn, it is all about the choices you make. The choice that you make to be happy or sad. The choice to react or ignore a situation. The choice you make to love or hate people or situations in your life. The choice to accept or reject an opportunity. The choice to succeed or fail. The choice to believe or know. The choice to live or die.

One year, makes all the difference and the healing that has come through this past year has filled my heart with a love and humility for this life that won't ever be paid back to all those who had a role in rebuilding my heart. I have come to know who I really am through this experience. There is power in understanding your purpose. I fiercely love and wildly (for Abi) appreciate all of you.