Suicide.

Have you ever looked back to a moment in your life and known that right then, was the moment it all changed? For me, that moment was almost five years ago. So much has changed within those past five years, but in some ways its stayed the same. My heart has changed in ways that I never knew it could. I was the typical teenager who thought I had it all figured out at 17. How wrong was I?

It was a Wednesday morning, I didn't go to school that day. I remember feeling like I was so done with high school and didn't need it anymore. Like I had learned everything I already needed to learn. I slept in, I took my time getting ready, I was planning on making it to my last period of the day. I first heard the news from my sister, she came running up the stairs calling my name. She told me to look online and if I had heard the news. I looked at her in pure confusion, I thought she was just trying to get me to go to school in some weird round about way. I remember getting online and seeing many people I know post about a girl, a girl who had taken her life late that night before. All these posts of love and heartache all centered around one beautiful girl, a girl who I knew very well, and loved much more than she realized. My daring, independent, sweet, selfless, and brave best friend, Brooke. My two best friends left school and came to my house to give me the news. They found me on the floor, sobbing so hard I could hardly breathe. They didn't know that I already knew, we sat together and cried, we held one another and tried to figure out how this could have happened. We returned back to school and told some of our other friends what had happened. We stayed together for most of the day trying to comfort one another. It seemed like nothing helped. I couldn't even begin to understand how this all had happened. 

The next couple of days were a complete blur, I can't even remember the details about what I did, what I said, where I was, I can't remember any of it, or maybe I just don't want to. When it came time for the funeral, the numbness had worn down, and my emotions came back, little by little. The kind of pain that your heart experiences when this happens, is unbearable. I've thought a lot about how in the world we survive that kind of pain. How do we even live through these experiences? What is it that keeps us moving and going. Well I have the answer, the Lord. He gives us strength in the ways that we never knew we had within us. I know that standing there surrounded by her family and the ones that I love most, all he gave us was strength. I don't remember much, but I remember that. Standing there, staring at a shallow grave surrounded by hearts that have been broken to the core, strength was all we had, even when we felt it wasn't there. I'll never forget that feeling of heart ache. It was so different than anything I had ever felt. I truly felt like my soul, my heart, and my life was broken. 

I'll never know just why my beautiful friend decided to take her life. I'll never have the answers to the questions that keep me up late at night. I'll never be able to go back and change the days before it all happened. I'll never understand why. I'll never be able to take the pain away from anyone. I so desperately wanted to know most of these things for years. I have racked my brain over and over again to understand the deeper meaning to all of it. It has changed my heart and my life, as I know it has for others around me. The conclusion I came to, was that maybe right now, I am not supposed to understand, or know. I am just supposed to trust in Him. I have learned so many valuable lessons throughout this whole process. The biggest principle I have learned, is to love. Love with all my heart, even when its not the right person to be in love with. Love everyone, even when they don't love me. Love the earth, the trees, the life that is around me everywhere. Love the people that I don't even know. Love those, even when you fight so hard to not.  Love needs to be the center of everything we do. Brooke taught me that, she taught me that Love is the most powerful gift we are given as human beings. How wonderful is it, that I get to truly love her for the rest of my eternity? Love is great, and is oh so powerful. If utilized in the best of ways, we have all the power to save those around us. 

After five years, I have truly learned that lesson over and over again. Love will always be more powerful than any other emotion that we feel. It will always be our saving grace, our repentance, our second chance, our escape. No matter what it is that is holding you back from loving someone or something, its never going to be more important than love. I have made the mistake of letting a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved in my life. In making that mistake I learned that I will never do it again. My life is forever changed from this one experience. It is easy to get caught up in ourselves, and what we want and what we need. I would have done better had I slowed down and took a breath, put my pride aside and just allowed the love to be present. Often times we can disguise love in negative emotions. We hold on to situations punishing those involved, they will surely learn their lesson if I sit and stew about it. False, you are only hurting yourself, when you hold onto to something it only dirties your heart more. Let yourself be free, forgive those around you, and let love come into play. It will always win anyways, there is no use trying to fight it. My perspective is so clear because of Brooke. Love is really the only answer to most of our problems. Pride, guilt and the world will always be there, it will always harm us. It will never free us. 

Sometimes I sit and think what I could have done more of, called her more, checked up on her more. Maybe if she knew how much I thought of her and hoped that she was well, she wouldn't have made her decision. I know that doesn't help anyone to think that way, these thoughts will always come and go. I know in my heart, that she loved me and all of those in her life with such a pure love. I hope and pray everyday that people grasp the concept of simply being kind to one another. You NEVER know what happens behind closed doors. Everyone is fighting their own personal battle. Some are worse than others, but they are all tailor made for us as individuals. Its time to stop putting ourselves before the need to love those around us. The simple principle to love one another is now more important than ever. In a world that is constantly changing, Love needs to remain the same. If you or someone you know is struggling, reach out to them, help them in any way you can. You never know, you might have saved their life that day. Most of the time all anyone needs is to know that they have one person who genuinely cares for them. The most heartbreaking part, is that we have many in our lives who love us, some are scared to show it, some don't see the importance to show it, others think that they already know it so they don't say it as often. If you read this post, and thought of someone the whole time, tell them you love them. Don't wait, life is too short. Don't sit back and let a moment pass you by.

It's been five years, but it feels just like yesterday. I still reach for the phone to call you and tell you about the stupid thing I did that day. I miss talking about boys, friends, movies, and just everything. I love you Brooke. You changed so many people around you. Your light, your soul, and your heart helped me in some of my darkest times. I will never forget our memories, and the time that we shared together. My heart misses you everyday. xoxo forever, 

Anna 

For more information regarding suicide awareness please go to 

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org 


The prophet Mormon counseled us: “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love … ; that ye may become the sons of God; … that we may be purified even as he is pure” (Moroni 7:48).